I wonder if Elon Musk's self-driving taxis will solve the problem of the sad cruise control? You know, the one who feels neglected and unloved because no one uses it. (My wife, Mary's, is in therapy.) On the interstate, I work my cruise control like a fighter pilot, and it loves me for it. How else could I be confident of "8 you're great, 9 your mine," and let others take one for the team from the Highway Patrol?
Other than those who plop into the left lane like a manatee on vacation and bravely tour America going one mile an hour over the speed limit (how can they not see when a slight opening emerges in the right lane because three vehicles exit for Buc-ee's, and the traffic pours around them like dung beetles marching home with the prize), the Erratic-pace cars drive me the nuttiest.
Here's me, 8 over the suggested speed, smoothly passing in the lane designated for such. Eyes constantly roving, I glimpse a small car at my six and, doing the calculus, judge I can't quite get past the next truck before being overtaken and, gentleman that I am, slide right. The little white car quickly catches up to me and, just before it's taillights clear my headlights, it slows precipitously. Oh, radar alert? Road hazard? Ran out of gas? We parallel for 10 miles with me staring up the semi's butt as if we're in some sort of performance art rehearsal. Then, just about when I am ready to put a nitroglycerin tablet under my tongue, the little car speeds up, then slows down, then speeds up, finally passes the truck, and pulls into the right lane going five miles under the speed limit.
I pull into the left lane, flick the resume lever, and blow on past wondering how the human race has survived. Here's a couple of drivers ed tips:
Your foot is the worker that AI is going to replace because your foot, left to its own devices, is inconsistent. It wants to press down when you yell into your phone, and it wants to ease up now and again because - poor little thing - it's tired. You think your foot is smart, but it is stupid compared to AI. AI calculates the speed by bouncing 10 million nano rays off 400 satellites every second while your foot listens to you, and you can't add without a calculator (okay, that's me, but). You're giving your foot way too much responsibility.
Is there a tip in there? No. Here's the tip. If you want to save the world from a shortage of hypertension drugs, engage and use your %$#))(#$&@ cruise control! (Unless you're my wife who used to drive fast and now that she has grandkids, drives like a Nana - even when they are not in the car because, you know, healthy habits.)
This Public Service Announcement is provided courtesy of a grant from Radar Anonymous - the fine folks who engineered the one-step program to stop cruise control neglect.