Frobisch Waxes Philosophical After Bid Falls Short

Betimes, one feels like limning a satirical situation with a point. Any reference to Elon Musk is strictly intentional.
Frobisch Waxes Philosophical After Bid Falls Short
In: Humor, Dreams

It was a comedy of errors, although not funny, as the universe misaligned to bring a series of missed chances and opportunities lost. Erving Frobisch, founder and chief executive officer of Frobisch & Sons, a father-daughter dog spa franchisor-- widely credited with installing the first canine lunar lamp meditation chamber in the country--told this reporter, “I missed it by that much,” as he closed his forefinger over his thumb and mimicked Maxwell Smart with a nasal twang.

Frobisch’s daughter, Darlene Clementine (nee Frobisch), fondly called My Darling by her employees when they were out of earshot, adjusted her coonskin cap and giggled, “Oh, Daddy!”

The story of how Erving Frobisch, hailing from a long line of Scotch-Irish arbitration panelists and whose parents achieved some acclaim by self-publishing a series of children’s books based on the preschool life of Attila the Hun, built a quasi-empire from a dog-walk-behind-scooper business is renown. Frobish’s big break, if you recall, came when a particularly gooey pickup led him to invent the Doggie Depends with Variable Tail Grommet and Breathable Methane Release Valve. While it seemed Frobisch burst on the Wall Street scene an instant billionaire, he is quick to point out it took twenty years to perfect and patent the release valve so flatulent pets didn’t upend and dangle from the sky like a deranged kamikaze dirigible.

It was Frobisch’s recent behind-the-scenes bidding war with Elon Musk over Plopper, the animal social media giant, that revealed chinks in his armor. The normally taciturn, bespectacled, diminutive man who cultivated a low profile became brash, angry, and took to wearing loud socks after the record SEC fine was reported in the Wall Street Journal. The speculation was that the Frobisch’s long-time family accountant, Benjamin Abraham Abacus, had left two commas off the mandated language in the Plopper filing, which delayed the acceptance while a room full of government attorneys took leave with the vapors.

Abacus, stooped in appearance, wearing a grey overcoat and two black woolen scarves, briefly addressed the press and mumbled about foreign agents armed with Whiteout. Frobisch, when questioned about continuing the takeover bid despite the $80 billion fine, raised his pant leg to reveal garish orange socks with mermaids and said, “You always miss 100% of the shots you never take.” Michael Jordan quickly tweeted that the famous wisdom attributed to him was never about anything but roundball and that neither he nor his heirs or assigns had any liability for people’s personal decisions.

This reporter then questioned Mr. Frobisch about his decision to send his uncle, William XXXI, to represent in arbitration when William was recently paroled after convincing an account receivable in the 90+ column to pay by whacking the customer’s knees with a Frobisch elephant scooper. “Easy,” replied Frobisch. “Blood is thicker than water, and William can be very persuasive.”

Still, to repeat old news, the Plopper bid was awarded to Musk after William brandished the well-used scooper at the panel and caused a few splatters on the shiny glass enclosure. It may not have hurt that Musk provided each arbiter with a new Tesla to “test.”

“Tesla, schmessla,” spat Frobisch. “I offered a lifetime supply of Doggie Depends. Which do you think will be around longer and which will ultimately save the ozone layer?”

Then, waxing philosophical, Frobisch concluded the interview.

“I still believe you should take every shot you can - life is short. Hopefully, you hit more than you miss. I don’t want to look back and say the biggest costs I suffered were from opportunities lost - a squandered moment in time that is gone forever. I’m proud of our effort even though we didn’t win, and I sincerely wish Elon Musk a ton of plops to go with his tweets.”

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